Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Mothers Who Are Always Putting Up an Argument

I have arranged for a nurse to go in every morning at a fixed time to make sure that my mom has taken all her meds. She is billed $5. per day for this. At $15 per month, it's definitely worth it.

With this, I know that my mom is okay and that she's taken all her meds, and it leaves me the opportunity to live my life. 

But then what? Life is more than just waking up and taking your meds.

My mom will probably sleep most of the day if I don't call her and make sure she's up and about. And it's not because of her age. It's because of depression.

It's past that hour.... By now the nurse has long gone in to make sure she has taken her meds.

So... Do I call my mom this morning or not?

I will call her for sure in an hour or two to make sure that she's up and ready and moving for her aid.

But should I call her now?

Of course, call, you'll think. It's your mother.

Maybe not. It's usually very depressing calling her. We start her day with an argument and we start mine with an argument. Arguing and opposing seems to be how she survives, but it's not how I survive. If she says she's sleepy, and I say 'have some coffee,' she says she doesn't like coffee. If I remind her that she does, in fact that she herself bought coffee and it's in her fridge, she says that she changed her mind about coffee. Yesterday she said she couldn't go to her Dr appointment because she was nauseous and couldn't eat. As soon as I cancelled the appointment, she got up and went to the kitchen to eat. "Mom, I thought you were nauseous." 

"I'm always nauseous when I wake up."

"So then why don't you just wait a bit until you're not nausous and then eat, and then we don't have to cancel your Dr appointment."

No answer. I'm aware of what she does and how she can egg a person on into an argument whose point is - what is the point?? from her point of view? Just the love of arguing?

She will always come up with a fact in opposition and if she doesn't have a fact in opposition, she will make one up.  In fact it's what destroys me. It's been that way since I was a kid. (And maybe it's what destroyed her.) So what's the point of calling?  I don't need the argument or the negativity. 

The point would be to make sure she's up and dressed and has taken her cold medication, so that it can be working by the time the aid arrives.

Whether to call or not is not always so clear cut.


  1. This sounds very challenging! I remember when my grandfather lived with us towards the end of his life, he was very disagreeable about everything. For some, it is a way of hooking others. Think about it. If they were easy going and agreeable the conversation would be a piece of cake and end quickly. If there is an argument, there are emotions and strife, etc., that make the conversation go long past its normal duration. Maybe that's what they want and need. It's unfortunate and taxing for the person on the receiving end however since it's not what you intended to happen. Seems like an emotional spider web.

  2. Stephanie, bingo.

    I wonder why in his case this behavior came out as he aged.. Maybe because he was insecure about his ability to remember more and keep a conversation going, so rehashing the same circular stuff at least kept him engaged, and the other person engaged (with great frustration)...

    How did the family deal with it?

    (With my mom it's been a way of life, when when I was younger, now made moreso as she ages, because it can be life-threatening to get circular reasoning when it comes to eating, drinking, getting her body moving, etc.)

    1. I know just what you mean about the life-threatening aspect. The family circled around him and gave all the love we and understanding we could. When things fell out of our realm we had to reluctantly put it into the hands of professionals. That is when the dangers out weighed everything we could give.

    2. Stephanie, looks like the family worked together and had the most empathetic position possible, with an acknowledgement that at the point where things become life-threatening and unmanageable within the family circle, it's time to the pros. Thank you for your comment.

      Yes, with me, even the challenges have challenges!