REITS: The Truth about Your Elderly Parent's Montlhy Service Fees

Creative Commons License; Brett VA

You know that monthly service fee for the grandiose residents where your senior mom is living? Or how the monthly fee doubles when you or your elderly parent moves from independent living into assisted living - even though his or her bedroom/living room space is half the size? You may think that increase is going to increase services, which your elderly parents increasingly need. Then how come it doesn't? And how come you're so frustrated?

Where do you think the funds that your parents - or you, if you're supporting them - are paying are going to?

My mom lives in senior housing that began as senior housing run by Quakers and that is now one site owned by a national corporation. I used to think her service fee is split between her specific location, and the national corporation, each getting a piece. I thought I was so brilliant for figuring out that not all the money goes to getting her good care, but rather also to "the corporation."

Now even that turns out to be naive.

Have you ever heard of a REIT? You may not have but plenty of investors in it for the long haul have.  It stands for Real Estate Investment Trusts and this category of investment fund was created in 1960 by Congress. One type of REIT is Healthcare. We start with the fact that the land and physical facility on which you or your elderly parent live, or will live, is owned not by the senior services company but by the Real Estate Investment Trust.

Almost immediately after this type of stock portfolio was created, investors loved REITS. 

Read this from Forbes: 3 Recession-Proof REITs With Yields Up To 7.6%

or this from RealMoney:Top Healthcare REITs to Play an Aging Population

One reason why healthcare REITS are in demand is that they are required to distribute at least 90% of their income as shareholder dividends. In a normal company, profits would go back into the company in the form of better services, improved facilities, land maintenance and land improvement. Not so with REITS. 

AT LEAST 90% of their income is going to shareholder dividends!!!

Where my mom lives, the company advertises 74 acres that include 6-hole executive golf course,community garden plots, a greenhouse and hiking trails. But when you go there, the land is decrepit, the golf course overrun and uncared for. Bittersweet has overtaken acres and acres, shrouding out the tall trees that are probably hundreds of years old, squeezing the life out of them, now bare except for a few branches at the tippy top, and the REITS company does not cut the bittersweet down. Their way of dealing with it is to clear cut the trees and where they haven't clear cutted, the bittersweet just continues to overtake.

Once, I brought my golf clubs down. The land was soggy and pockmarked. The boundaries were overrun by bushes and invasive species that narrowed the fairways. To get from one green to the next hole, I had to wind my way through overgrown bamboo and bushes, often unsable to see to the next hole.  


This is not land stewardship. This is doing the least amount possible, to increase profits the most. There is no incentive to steward the land.

Every now and then an infrastructure improvement is made. But think about it: To get a physical structure improvement, the request has to go all the way from this individual facility to the REIT. 

I'll stop here for now, because I have a laundry list of improvements that could be made to the land and to the physical structure where my mom lives, and I have a laundry list of how services could be improved. But just start where it counts: 90% of the income of the assisted living facilities goes straight out to shareholder dividends.

The Burden Interview: Of Mothers, Caregivers, Sons and Daughters

"You're better at it," wrote my brother in an email after I complained that he wasn't doing anything for our elderly mom while I was doing everything. 

His words still sting like a bumble bee.

Was that really supposed to appease me, or my primary care physician who was becoming extremely concerned as my blood pressure was rising higher and higher and higher and I was becoming pre-diabetic from lack of physical exercise? Or was it supposed to provoke?

Add to that the layer that he, my brother, lived only 20 minutes away from our mother, while I lived 300 miles away. 

A Boston-based 2012 study indicated that daughters, twice as often as sons, become the elderly mother's caretakers. But still, sons comprise up to 30% of those care giving for elderly parents.  In Canada up to 30% of those caring for elderly parents are sons, shows a Canadian study. The "elderly parents" are usually mothers, since women generally outlive men. 

While the men in the Canadian study indicated positives as well as negatives in caretaking, they still assumed that responsibility. Married men generally had the support of their wives, with whom they discussed decisions they were making. 

So how does it get to be the daughter living six hours away becomes the primary caretaker when the son, living 20-25 minutes away, does virtually nothing? And what repercussions does this have on my, the caretaker by default, health, finances, social life and emotional well-being?

After another email months later to my brother in which I outlined everything I'd been doing vis a vis my mom and the toll it was taking on me, his response was "Thanks."

Mine back was was "I don't want your thanks. I want your help."

While I could never anticipate my mother's declining cognitive, and physical, condition, I also could never anticipate that I would get absolutely no help or support from my "bro" or support from my sister-in-law, receiving instead just the meek justification for why it was that he was totally defaulting on the small things, including asking for information about her current health, and the very large and major things and decisions.

The word "burden" is used repeatedly in all studies about adult children as caretakers of elderly and frail parents.  And it completely amazed me that there is something actually called "The Burden Interview," which I discovered on an online search.

This discovery was a true relief, and I gladly read the questions and circled my answer, recognizing so many aspects of what the questions addressed. Twenty of the 22 questions on the Zarit Burden Interview begin "Do you feel....."  or "Do you feel that..." One question begins "Are you afraid about..." and the last and 22nd question begins, "Overall, how burdened to you feel..."  Answers ranged from Never (score of zero) to Nearly Always (score 5).  I wish that the question "Do you feel that your health has suffered because of your involvement with your relative?" should score a 5 and that my doctor's feelings about this should add in a bonus 5 points. Feelings are big in this test.

Test takers have 30 minutes for this test. Mine took much less, let's not say how much less. Then I added up my score. Yup! "Moderate to Severe Burden."

The one question that I'd like to see the questionnaire ask is: "Do you feel angry at other family members who are doing less than you are?" or "Do you feel that other family members should be doing a better job at caring for your relative?"

I do, and I do. I wish the Burden Interview asked these questions because the complete lack of participation in my mother's caregiving by the person geographically closest to her adds a lot of stress too.

When one family member is clearly dis-involved, and wants to dis-involved, there is no communication that is going to get you the understanding, and the help, that you want. There is no way to go but to accept that and let go. To do otherwise would be to increase ones emotional stress, and therefore burden and the consequences of that. 

"Anger deprives the sage of his wisdom, a prophet of his vision," says the Talmud.  More conversations, more attempts to get somebody to see your distress or point of view would end in just more frustration, and disappointment, and a self-destructive cycle of anger.

CARETAKERS of ELDERLY PARENTS: How many others like me are there out there? I would guess I'm not the only one. 

It's often repeated how commonly families break up over money, especially after the death of a parent and the distribution of the estate.

Or, in this case, they functionally and emotionally break up long before. And when that's the case, don't hang on and let it raise your BURDEN SCORE even more!!

Why I Hate Mothers Day: To All the Daughters of Unloving Mothers

Here we go again.

Psychology calls it the "Unloving Mother." Others call it the "Not Good Enough Mother." If you're like me, either term will do. We have the experience: The label tells us that we are not alone.

Mother's Day is coming up.

And another instance when my mother figured out how to obtain money she didn't have for the drug addicted unnamed family member just passed.

For somebody who has to ask what day it is, she has an extraordinary ability to find out which rock to hit to get cash from it. I discovered this latest ruse late last night, when I looked onto her statement.

"I don't recall doing anything with $2000.," I thought to myself. That's because I had not. She had telephoned the bank and had had the maximum funds transferred from her Overdraft Line of Credit into her checking account, and written UFM a check for that amount, which he promptly went to the bank and cashed, and there it was, in "pending" although the check had already been cashed. It was too late to stop payment but I filled out the online stop payment form and clicked, as reason for stopping check, "coercion." I had to wait until the morning to get through to the bank service reps for more information.

Morning. Service rep:

"I'm going to connect you to the fraud line," she says. "You said it was coercion."

"I'm not interested in the fraud line," I tell her. "Are you going to arrest my XX year old mother?"

"No, but it will go into collections, and she'll get telephone calls," Ms. Friendly Banker Representative Supervisor told me.

"Well, she's not making payments on it."

"Then when she dies the executor of her estate will deal with it."

I can't bear the sadness around this relationship. There's a continual yearning to have closeness with ones mother. That never goes away, a fact that I wrestle with. It will take me many many years to heal from this. God give me the strength.

Mother's Day is a few weeks away. I'll be mourning the relationship I never had, and the way I was lied to, over and over again, even as I attempted to take care of her in her old age, in her withering days. But I"ll be trying to have a good day, a day that I can have some control over.

When your mom is mentally ill, or elderly, there's always a question of how much to hold onto that relationship and how much to let go.

Days like Mother's Day have created huge conflicts in the past. This year it will not. Maybe I'll hire her an aid to make sure she's up and alive, but I will not call and I will not be conflicted about it. There's so much reality around this now, - it's impossible to ignore. It's impossible to feel, to know, each time I phone her, that I am not being authentic with her. That when she says, "Why are you tired?" that I'm not painfully aware that the real answer is "Because I"m tired of dealing with you and your lies and your depression and your mismanagement of all your money and that UMF gets literally your last dollar while I try to keep you alive, and still you persist; that you are always thinking about how to get money to UFM, even though you never let on.  That I am being crushed under its weight. That I simply cringe every time you say 'I love you.'"

Maybe the next day she'll say something about my not calling. Maybe I'll say, "Oh it was Mother's Day? I didn't realize!"

This Mother's Day is to all the suffering daughters of mothers who are not good enough, to all the daughters of mothers that Psych Today calls "unloving" mothers, to the daughters of mothers who do NOT put in that call, and do not send that card or buy that box of chocolates, who try to remain authentic to themselves and hold onto reality because our hearts don't just break once... They break again and again and again.