When I called Mom's room at noon, I wasn't surprised that she was still in bed but I was surprised that none of the care aids had been in to get her up for lunch (or, in her case, the first meal of the day). Or at least that's what she said. If that's to be believed, given her current memory. But I said I'd call her back in 15 minutes, thinking that a care person would come in by then.
I was wrong.
I told her, "Mom, press the button on the thing around your neck." Sometimes I don't recall the name "pendant." It's no piece of jewelry, that I can tell you for sure.
Well, today she was able to press it and while it was blinking we had at least lots of time to talk. You know that having conversations with somebody with dementia can be challenging.
"I'm tired," said she.
"I know," said I.
"I just want to go back to sleep," said she.
"Well, you can go back to sleep after lunch. It's not a very busy day. I don't have anything scheduled for you," said I. I know to say this, to promise her she can go back to sleep, which she can. I'd rather she do an activity, or sit outside in the sun, but I know to promise her the thing that will give her comfort. The thing she wants to hear. Then something surprising happened.
"I'm afraid," said she. Now I start to think maybe I should have the facility psychiatrist come in and talk with her because she's talking about emotions! And she's in touch with them. This can be a good beginning.
"Afraid of what, Mom?"
"I just want to sleep." This is not such a stupid statement. This is a moment of self-awareness. For a person with dementia to be so self aware and to be able to share that, to bring me in to this thinking, is a moment I'm cherishing. "I'm afraid that I"m going to be like this."
"Like what, Mom?"
"To be like this, and I'm not going to be more active." Suddenly we are in another zone of consciousness. This word "active" is not a word I've heard her say in a long very long time.
"You me to be more active, and do things? Like what, Mom?" Am I pushing too much? Too fast? How far can I take this? Will I get another chance to have this conversation again?
She doesn't answer. The pendant is still blinking and the care person has not come in. I know that lunch will be over soon but I want this conversation to continue.
"So part of you wants to sleep and part of you wants to be active. Which one would you like to have right now?"
"I want to be active but the one that wants to sleep is stronger."
It is strong. And it's her biology at this moment. And while this moment is intimate, I think that after lunch the part of her that wants to sleep will win.
She may not remember this conversation but it made my day.
I know that much of what she tells me is a lie.
I didn't always know that. I knew in my gut something wasn't right. But I didn't KNOW it was a lie. And I didn't know why it was a lie or why she lied. I still don't know but such is the nature of a person's psyche.
If your parents are lying to you, it's okay to know it. It's better to know and accept it than to not acknowledge it and try to convince yourself that what is a lie is actually true. Then you get really screwed up for life.
For a few days now her memory has been awful. Just awful. She also doesn't want to wake up and blames it on her cold. But people who have colds can get up and function. I know there's something else going on.
"Is it (this)?"
"No."
"Are you depressed?"
"No. I'm just tired. Can't I be tired?"
"Did Unidentified Male Relative telephone you?"
"Maybe."
"What did he say?"
I don't remember.
If you're like me, you've learned to trust your gut. In my case, I have to wonder: A) She doesn't remember the telephone call because she doesn't want to remember; B) She remembers the call and its contents but she doesn't want to tell you/me. C) She doesn't remember the telephone call because she has some condition independent of all other emotional issues. After all, how am I ever going to prove that she remembers? Or doesn't remember? The memory loss serves a practical and convenient function.
I have to harken back to just a few weeks ago, when Unidentified Male Relative showed up unexpectedly (on my end), and I discovered that he and she had gone to the bank together and had wiped out her savings account. At that time, she said nothing to me afterward, as it it hadn't happened at all. It was an awkward silence, me wondering if she'd say anything, giving her the opportunity to bring it up on her own, and she being quiet out of - fear? Of me? Of what I might say? Of having to deal with what she had just partnered in? But yesterday when the topic of finances and the savings account came up, she was quick to offer: "I did it because I wanted to." Memory loss? Or convenient 'memory loss'?
Sure enough, I find out late afternoon from Other Person that Unidentified Male Relative is there in her apartment. Other Person doesn't want me to call her and get elderly mom upset. I, however, need to call. We have to do a reality check here.
"Was he there when you and I were talking a little while ago, and doing your meds?"
"Yes. I told you."
"No you didn't. You said you were getting ready to take a nap. That was all." I calmly informed my elderly mom that there is no money in the checking account, there is no money in the savings account, and all the credit cards have been shut down. She argues that she's financially responsible. I say "No, you're not financially responsible." She says UMR has not asked for money. I say "Not yet." She's playing a game with me. But it's a fool's game.
What does it take to be a good liar? A persistent liar? All it takes is for the other person to be a fool, or to want to be fooled, to want to cling to a relationship or a dream more than you want to cling to reality and yourself.
She says, "I don't lie to you."
At any age, it's hard to tell your parents that you've caught them in a lie. Let alone repeated lies. I think that what she's really saying is that she doesn't want to lie to me. For most of my life my parents presented things in one way but the truth was quite different. But time is running out and I have to just be blunt and honest about this - because we have to exist in a place of honesty. How much more time do we have to get to this place?
I say, "Yes you do, you lie all the time." It hurts her to hear this, it hurts me say this. To KNOW this. Relationships cannot thrive in an atmosphere of falsifications. I can't imagine how much it destroys a person to be a liar. I take that back. I can imagine it. I see it all the time, every day. I can't imagine how destroyed a person must be to lie. A person's humanity. It's an awful way to live.
This time UMR can't get any money. My mom's finances are, for now, as they were. They are safe. I won't have to do any clean up of the mess tomorrow. She may not be very happy about it but I'm relieved. I've protected her finances, I've protected myself from the angst and stress of cleaning up the mess each time, which gets harder and harder each time, and I've eliminated one tool that fuels the codependency. I'm sad, but I'm relieved for the moment.
And for the moment, there is honesty.
