Monday, January 12, 2015

Who Are We Doing This For?

The battle between the generations never ends. At least some battles don't.

I don't want to feel guilty that some of these things I do, e.g. selling Mom's car, are partly for me. Or that I cannot make any decisions that will benefit me in any way. Fact is that she will have more money for the things she really needs, day to day, and that her life and financial decisions it will be more reality-based. And I will have less stress, which is great, because the stress of managing her life and her financial affairs is killing me.

Yet I feel that whenever I have this dialogue with my elderly mom about WHY I need to sell the car, that the reasons given have to be only about HER and not about me at all. She even got angry at me one of the calls before when I said again that she could use the money to get her hair done, go to the opera, have her meals delivered if she couldn't make it to the dining hall, etc., and so on.  She yelled YOU DIDN'T TELL ME THAT BEFORE. Aside from the fact that I most certainly did, many times, why does every argument have to be only about why it's good for HER? Why do I have to feel guilty that selling the car is also partly for ME - at least for my own health and sanity, given I'm the only family member who's helping her through this time of her life? That I'm the one making sure the insurance payments are made, that the leasing payments are made, that the Triple A is paid, ,that the car registration is paid, that when the car doesn't start that I'm the one making sure the part is repaired and then responsible for making sure that those payments are made....

My own doctor is warning me that my blood pressure is going dangerously UP and that my blood sugar level is going dangerously UP because I'm so stressed out all the time managing her affairs that I'm ignoring MY health, I'm stressed, getting no exercise, etc. and etc.

There's nothing wrong with it being partly for me. Or saving MY life too. Literally. My mother should be able to discuss this with me. It should be a part of our dialogue. Of our human dialogue.

I wonder if these issues that she and I deal with are the same issues we dealt with earlier in life - except now they're being revisited as we help our elderly parents through these years of their lives when they're sooooo dependent on others.

It's a difficult dialogue when we're making decisions that affect our elderly parents. It's a lot easier when they understand and accept that the wise decision may be the emotionally difficult one.

Fact is the car is sold, I feel great, and she may have been angry then sad, but I think she's going to be okay now.

No comments:

Post a Comment