Mom has to eat.
But she likes to sleep very late. Very late. This is a problem because she occasionally wakes up slightly hypoglycemic and dehydrated.Then she doesn't have the strength to make it to the refrigerator or the kitchen.
Mom also likes to drink wine. She can get dinner with wine every night. This is nice. She feels great in the evening after dinner. But it is a double-edged sword because with the wine she feels great, but in the morning she wakes up slightly hypoglycemic and dehydrated.
Parenting magazines are encouraging parents to teach their kids to love vegetables and fruit. They're encouraging parents to not try to hide the vegetables and fruits in another dish, say a casserole, but to appreciate the veggies as is. They're encouraging parents to serve fruit for desert, rather than carbs.
Isn't fruit salad what we, when I was a kid, used to eat for desert? I remember as a kid always having fresh fruit salad for desert. Even in restaurants. Rice pudding was about as sweet a dessert as we ever got. Ready-made cakes weren't as available as they are now. Economic policy and a more urban lifestyle has also made carbs cheaper and more affordable than fresh fruits and vegetables.
Over many years, Mom has become too dependent on sugar and cake: THAT IS, she has become too dependent on carbs for the main meal and carbs for desert. Carbs and simple sugars, which are carbs.
Is my mom any different from most seniors? Or most of us, who want to hang onto eating what we like?
Now I ask her to tell me what she has in the refrigerator.
"Cantelope."
"Great. Have that." I hear her chewing away. "What else is there?"
"Pineapple."
"Great. Have that. "I hear her chewing away." What else is there?"
"Spinach."
"Spinach? Great, Mom. Lots of potassium and low carbs, Vitamin A, Vitamin C... Especially because the doctor doesn't want you eating bananas."
Of course I only know all this because my doctor is also telling me to watch what I eat because I have become pre-diabetic. He's warned me. I've learned the hard way. I'm also beginning to love my vegetables. I've been reading AARP, the magazine that nobody wants to admit they get. Frankly, my mom's not interested in nutrition. But she does listen to me. She is interested in life.
"Great, Mom. Eat your vegetables. What else is there in the refrigerator?"
Showing posts with label parents. Show all posts
Showing posts with label parents. Show all posts
Sunday, March 15, 2015
Friday, February 20, 2015
When Positive Energy Meets Negative Energy
You're in a good mood, you're ready to share good spirits with the birthday person. You pick up the phone ready to blast a Happy Birthday, dial, wait while it rings.
It's especially important because this is your elderly parent. This is your second call for the day; the first was in the morning. This is the evening call and it will be your last for the day, so you want to make it a good one.
The phone is answered. There's a pause. Even before you hear the voice on the other end, you know it's going to be a downer. "Hello?" It's a tired worn out voice. The voice does not sound happy that you even called. Your heart sinks like a stone.
You feel like Debbie Downer has just walked through the doors of your party.
No matter what you say, the other person is bringing you more and more down. If you say, "Take some allergy relief" you hear "I don't want to ; it will make me even more tired."
"But your allergy relief pills don't have anything in them to make you tired."
"I don't want to take any medicine."
"Okay, have some coffee."
"I'll get sick if I take coffee."
You realize this person is not in rational mode. Everything you say will be met with a negative. You will get nowhere except more and more lost into a cyclone. There is NO conversation.
Wait! you think to yourself. No, you say aloud. "I just called you to bring some birthday cheer to you. And instead of bringing you birthday cheer, you're just complaining and complaining. I don't even know why I want to wish you a happy birthday" and you hang up. Instead of a happy birthday, you feel anger and you're not even recognized for who you are, for what you've done.
It feels awful. Not just that things didn't go like you planned, like you wanted, to bring cheer and good will..... But what just happened to your positive energy?
When positive energy meets negative, seems like the winner is the negative. How do you, the positive person, sustain a relationship where the negative energy dominates?
Not just that, if you're a positive minded person, how do you hold onto yourself in the midst of such a relationship? What happened to all that anger that was generated from frustration at not being able to utilize the energy and positive attitude that you were given in life?
I wonder.
It's especially important because this is your elderly parent. This is your second call for the day; the first was in the morning. This is the evening call and it will be your last for the day, so you want to make it a good one.
The phone is answered. There's a pause. Even before you hear the voice on the other end, you know it's going to be a downer. "Hello?" It's a tired worn out voice. The voice does not sound happy that you even called. Your heart sinks like a stone.
You feel like Debbie Downer has just walked through the doors of your party.
No matter what you say, the other person is bringing you more and more down. If you say, "Take some allergy relief" you hear "I don't want to ; it will make me even more tired."
"But your allergy relief pills don't have anything in them to make you tired."
"I don't want to take any medicine."
"Okay, have some coffee."
"I'll get sick if I take coffee."
You realize this person is not in rational mode. Everything you say will be met with a negative. You will get nowhere except more and more lost into a cyclone. There is NO conversation.
Wait! you think to yourself. No, you say aloud. "I just called you to bring some birthday cheer to you. And instead of bringing you birthday cheer, you're just complaining and complaining. I don't even know why I want to wish you a happy birthday" and you hang up. Instead of a happy birthday, you feel anger and you're not even recognized for who you are, for what you've done.
It feels awful. Not just that things didn't go like you planned, like you wanted, to bring cheer and good will..... But what just happened to your positive energy?
When positive energy meets negative, seems like the winner is the negative. How do you, the positive person, sustain a relationship where the negative energy dominates?
Not just that, if you're a positive minded person, how do you hold onto yourself in the midst of such a relationship? What happened to all that anger that was generated from frustration at not being able to utilize the energy and positive attitude that you were given in life?
I wonder.
Thursday, February 19, 2015
The Saddest Moment of Accepting Your Parent's Mental Illness
We get to act normal for a while and then every now and then the disease manifests itself.
I've had a lot of time to think about this. I've had a lot of time to accept that things are going to seem normal for a while - and then they're not.
I've had a lot of time to accept that there's nothing that I can do to avert this, or to avert that sooner or later I'm going to be the bad guy. The one who always rescues my mother, the one who made sure she was out of her home and safely in a new apartment before she was financially destitute, the one who made her divorce happen because she couldn't function enough to do anything let alone appear in court to face her (soon to be ex-) husband... eventually I would be the bad guy.
I've had a lot of time to accept that it's an emotional state that she enters, and that there is nothing that I can say that will release her from that, or cause her to see anything, rationally, any differently.
So when this afternoon, I said "So what about the credit card and the taxi ride?" I knew that sooner or later warm air and and cool air were going to meet and produce the thunder and lightening. I was at a shopping center, in a big soft easy chair that they had for patrons to relax.
"He said that the card was turned off."
"Yes, Mom. I closed the card."
"YOU CAN'T DO THAT."
But of course I could, and I did. And a person who is being abused, or who is part of an abusive relationship, or a co-dependent relationship, will never, or rarely, acknowledge it.
"I had to, Mom. You're going to be destitute again and I can't allow that to happen."
What was different about this time is that I saw her illness roll in like a dark cloud. The issue was her and her Unidentified Male Relative. There would be no talking to her.
"But I'll have bad credit."
"Mom, you'll have bad credit if I don't do that. There's too much money going out to UMR"
She screamed "YOU CAN'T DO THAT." and screamed "YOU DON'T HAVE THE POWER TO DO THAT.", she was going to "get a lawyer and that will cost even more money" while I waited quietly. The voice in my head said, "There's nothing you can say." I felt like the center of the hurricane. All was quiet. Maybe it was one of the saddest moments of my life. But I had reality on my side, and that's nothing to sneer at. There was one thing I could say:
"Mom, I'm going to get off the phone now. I'll talk to you later."
I've had a lot of time to think about this. I've had a lot of time to accept that things are going to seem normal for a while - and then they're not.
I've had a lot of time to accept that there's nothing that I can do to avert this, or to avert that sooner or later I'm going to be the bad guy. The one who always rescues my mother, the one who made sure she was out of her home and safely in a new apartment before she was financially destitute, the one who made her divorce happen because she couldn't function enough to do anything let alone appear in court to face her (soon to be ex-) husband... eventually I would be the bad guy.
I've had a lot of time to accept that it's an emotional state that she enters, and that there is nothing that I can say that will release her from that, or cause her to see anything, rationally, any differently.
So when this afternoon, I said "So what about the credit card and the taxi ride?" I knew that sooner or later warm air and and cool air were going to meet and produce the thunder and lightening. I was at a shopping center, in a big soft easy chair that they had for patrons to relax.
"He said that the card was turned off."
"Yes, Mom. I closed the card."
"YOU CAN'T DO THAT."
But of course I could, and I did. And a person who is being abused, or who is part of an abusive relationship, or a co-dependent relationship, will never, or rarely, acknowledge it.
"I had to, Mom. You're going to be destitute again and I can't allow that to happen."
What was different about this time is that I saw her illness roll in like a dark cloud. The issue was her and her Unidentified Male Relative. There would be no talking to her.
"But I'll have bad credit."
"Mom, you'll have bad credit if I don't do that. There's too much money going out to UMR"
She screamed "YOU CAN'T DO THAT." and screamed "YOU DON'T HAVE THE POWER TO DO THAT.", she was going to "get a lawyer and that will cost even more money" while I waited quietly. The voice in my head said, "There's nothing you can say." I felt like the center of the hurricane. All was quiet. Maybe it was one of the saddest moments of my life. But I had reality on my side, and that's nothing to sneer at. There was one thing I could say:
"Mom, I'm going to get off the phone now. I'll talk to you later."
Monday, January 12, 2015
Who Are We Doing This For?
The battle between the generations never ends. At least some battles don't.
I don't want to feel guilty that some of these things I do, e.g. selling Mom's car, are partly for me. Or that I cannot make any decisions that will benefit me in any way. Fact is that she will have more money for the things she really needs, day to day, and that her life and financial decisions it will be more reality-based. And I will have less stress, which is great, because the stress of managing her life and her financial affairs is killing me.
Yet I feel that whenever I have this dialogue with my elderly mom about WHY I need to sell the car, that the reasons given have to be only about HER and not about me at all. She even got angry at me one of the calls before when I said again that she could use the money to get her hair done, go to the opera, have her meals delivered if she couldn't make it to the dining hall, etc., and so on. She yelled YOU DIDN'T TELL ME THAT BEFORE. Aside from the fact that I most certainly did, many times, why does every argument have to be only about why it's good for HER? Why do I have to feel guilty that selling the car is also partly for ME - at least for my own health and sanity, given I'm the only family member who's helping her through this time of her life? That I'm the one making sure the insurance payments are made, that the leasing payments are made, that the Triple A is paid, ,that the car registration is paid, that when the car doesn't start that I'm the one making sure the part is repaired and then responsible for making sure that those payments are made....
My own doctor is warning me that my blood pressure is going dangerously UP and that my blood sugar level is going dangerously UP because I'm so stressed out all the time managing her affairs that I'm ignoring MY health, I'm stressed, getting no exercise, etc. and etc.
There's nothing wrong with it being partly for me. Or saving MY life too. Literally. My mother should be able to discuss this with me. It should be a part of our dialogue. Of our human dialogue.
I wonder if these issues that she and I deal with are the same issues we dealt with earlier in life - except now they're being revisited as we help our elderly parents through these years of their lives when they're sooooo dependent on others.
It's a difficult dialogue when we're making decisions that affect our elderly parents. It's a lot easier when they understand and accept that the wise decision may be the emotionally difficult one.
Fact is the car is sold, I feel great, and she may have been angry then sad, but I think she's going to be okay now.
I don't want to feel guilty that some of these things I do, e.g. selling Mom's car, are partly for me. Or that I cannot make any decisions that will benefit me in any way. Fact is that she will have more money for the things she really needs, day to day, and that her life and financial decisions it will be more reality-based. And I will have less stress, which is great, because the stress of managing her life and her financial affairs is killing me.
Yet I feel that whenever I have this dialogue with my elderly mom about WHY I need to sell the car, that the reasons given have to be only about HER and not about me at all. She even got angry at me one of the calls before when I said again that she could use the money to get her hair done, go to the opera, have her meals delivered if she couldn't make it to the dining hall, etc., and so on. She yelled YOU DIDN'T TELL ME THAT BEFORE. Aside from the fact that I most certainly did, many times, why does every argument have to be only about why it's good for HER? Why do I have to feel guilty that selling the car is also partly for ME - at least for my own health and sanity, given I'm the only family member who's helping her through this time of her life? That I'm the one making sure the insurance payments are made, that the leasing payments are made, that the Triple A is paid, ,that the car registration is paid, that when the car doesn't start that I'm the one making sure the part is repaired and then responsible for making sure that those payments are made....
My own doctor is warning me that my blood pressure is going dangerously UP and that my blood sugar level is going dangerously UP because I'm so stressed out all the time managing her affairs that I'm ignoring MY health, I'm stressed, getting no exercise, etc. and etc.
There's nothing wrong with it being partly for me. Or saving MY life too. Literally. My mother should be able to discuss this with me. It should be a part of our dialogue. Of our human dialogue.
I wonder if these issues that she and I deal with are the same issues we dealt with earlier in life - except now they're being revisited as we help our elderly parents through these years of their lives when they're sooooo dependent on others.
It's a difficult dialogue when we're making decisions that affect our elderly parents. It's a lot easier when they understand and accept that the wise decision may be the emotionally difficult one.
Fact is the car is sold, I feel great, and she may have been angry then sad, but I think she's going to be okay now.
Thursday, January 8, 2015
This Afternoon I Sold Mom's Car
Mom's upset but she's not talking about it.
She sees the petty cash that I've brought her back to help her with daily expenses,, eg tipping people who come deliver her prescriptions, etc., asks where I got that, and I tell her. "I don't want to talk about it."
This is the WRONG thing to say to me. I hate denial. It starts a fight. We fight. She gets upset. I get upset. I pack up and go... I HAVE to get away from the denial.
Dinner is being delivered to each and every apartment tonight because of the flu outbreak. So a few of the residents decide to eat together when their dinners are delivered. There are four of us. We are laughing and having fun. By the end of the evening, hard feelings seem forgotten.
The car dealer who sold her her car and who bought it back said to me: She will forget it. She will be angry for a day or two but then she'll forget it. Tell her you want to do it so that she'll have money to go to shows or plays or to travel. I tried to follow his advice. His advice was wise.
It's now 10pm and my mom is telling me how much she loves me. I feel I've added years to my life. I've shed tons of worry. I can sleep tonight. And I do.
Tomorrow I'll try to take her to the fitness room and we'll get some exercise. I'll show her that life goes on - without the car. I'll show her that a good life will go on - without the car. Maybe even a better life.
Maybe she even will be relived at some point. But right now she's not open to that.
Tuesday, January 6, 2015
Tomorrow I'm Selling Mom's Car
There are lots of stories online about taking an elderly parent's car keys away. This was no problem. She stopped driving a long time ago.
Today I have a sick feeling in my stomach. My chest is tight. If I didn't know what's causing this, I'd be taking myself to the emergency room. I breathe deeply and tell myself this will soon be over, I hope.
At mom's apartment, I don't say a thing about it. I think that she knows what I'm thinking, and what I'm doing. Despite her memory loss, I'm certain that she knows. We try to have a good time. We go do yoga together. Wow, she's good! Much better than how she makes out to be when we're talking on the phone. The class is 45 minutes, much quicker pace than my own yoga classes... This teacher goes from position/pose to position pose like somebody at a salad bar...but it's good! And mom's keeping up. About 30 minutes into the class, she wants to sit it out. That's fine. Then she joins back in for the last 10 minutes. Even I'm a bit out of breath in this class, with all elderly!!
After the yoga class, we go to her apartment. I sit in the armchair and brace myself. I take a deep breath and then just get to it. I tell her again what I need to do and that I'm doing it this afternoon. But I tell her that I'm discussing it with her because I want her support with this. We have a bit of a circular discussion again. But at this point I have no choice. I have to sell the car and it's getting later in the day.
I call Triple A to get the car started....It's freezing out and the car won't start. I knew that that would happen. The guy comes, tests the battery, tells me it's dead, charges it up, and I drive the car around for a while but I fear that the next morning I have to call again and I count on this. The battery is dead as a doorknob and it won't retain the charge. Each piece tells me THIS is why I'm selling the car. Each additional "trouble" each additional cost. Mom says it's easy to get a new battery and I know that but who's going to DO all that? Who's going to sit outside when it's 15 degrees waiting for the guy to come and to charge up the car? Any single thing is easy and doable. It's all of them together, and unpredictably, that is impossible to manage when she's not even driving the car, and hasn't driven it in years. She cries again that she's losing her independence. I know that it's no picnic getting older and losing abilities that one had. I think of this a lot.
BESIDES I LEARN THAT you only get five TRIPLE A roadside assistances per calendar year.
Is this for me or is this for her that I'm doing this?
In reality, it's better for her and for me. But some moms don't give up so easily. Then it's a fight. We feel guilty saying it's for ME.... But really it's for both of us. If I'm the one taking care of her, how can I feel guilty that this car is making me sick? If I'm sick, I'm also no good taking care of her. And my doctor is warning me. I HAVE BEEN WARNED. I have been warned twice.
Tomorrow I'll have to call Triple A again to have them come charge the battery. On the one hand I dread tomorrow. On the other hand I look forward to it. But either way,, tomorrow will happen and I will have to face what I have to do. I will have to face it - and do it.
And I'm trying to make it as easy on her as possible.
Today I have a sick feeling in my stomach. My chest is tight. If I didn't know what's causing this, I'd be taking myself to the emergency room. I breathe deeply and tell myself this will soon be over, I hope.
At mom's apartment, I don't say a thing about it. I think that she knows what I'm thinking, and what I'm doing. Despite her memory loss, I'm certain that she knows. We try to have a good time. We go do yoga together. Wow, she's good! Much better than how she makes out to be when we're talking on the phone. The class is 45 minutes, much quicker pace than my own yoga classes... This teacher goes from position/pose to position pose like somebody at a salad bar...but it's good! And mom's keeping up. About 30 minutes into the class, she wants to sit it out. That's fine. Then she joins back in for the last 10 minutes. Even I'm a bit out of breath in this class, with all elderly!!
After the yoga class, we go to her apartment. I sit in the armchair and brace myself. I take a deep breath and then just get to it. I tell her again what I need to do and that I'm doing it this afternoon. But I tell her that I'm discussing it with her because I want her support with this. We have a bit of a circular discussion again. But at this point I have no choice. I have to sell the car and it's getting later in the day.
I call Triple A to get the car started....It's freezing out and the car won't start. I knew that that would happen. The guy comes, tests the battery, tells me it's dead, charges it up, and I drive the car around for a while but I fear that the next morning I have to call again and I count on this. The battery is dead as a doorknob and it won't retain the charge. Each piece tells me THIS is why I'm selling the car. Each additional "trouble" each additional cost. Mom says it's easy to get a new battery and I know that but who's going to DO all that? Who's going to sit outside when it's 15 degrees waiting for the guy to come and to charge up the car? Any single thing is easy and doable. It's all of them together, and unpredictably, that is impossible to manage when she's not even driving the car, and hasn't driven it in years. She cries again that she's losing her independence. I know that it's no picnic getting older and losing abilities that one had. I think of this a lot.
BESIDES I LEARN THAT you only get five TRIPLE A roadside assistances per calendar year.
Is this for me or is this for her that I'm doing this?
In reality, it's better for her and for me. But some moms don't give up so easily. Then it's a fight. We feel guilty saying it's for ME.... But really it's for both of us. If I'm the one taking care of her, how can I feel guilty that this car is making me sick? If I'm sick, I'm also no good taking care of her. And my doctor is warning me. I HAVE BEEN WARNED. I have been warned twice.
Tomorrow I'll have to call Triple A again to have them come charge the battery. On the one hand I dread tomorrow. On the other hand I look forward to it. But either way,, tomorrow will happen and I will have to face what I have to do. I will have to face it - and do it.
And I'm trying to make it as easy on her as possible.
Sunday, January 4, 2015
Why?
Why?
Today's NYT "Neediest Cases" write about a woman who put her "Life on Pause To Care for Her (Elderly) Parents".
Then she got sick and needed help from many organizations to help her purchase food, pay rent, pay her bills, etc.
I've been stressed out for years dealing with my elderly parents - not just their aging but their going through divorce, when they're 87 and 89 respectively, bitter divorce, moving my mom three times as a result, finding my brother who lives 20 minutes away from my mother not helping at all while I, who lives 300 miles away, have to manage her and her entire life by the telephone every day of the week, her memory that's been failing and failing, and failing... and my own health has been failing as a result (high blood pressure, pre-diabetic, all from stress and lack of exercise, memory lapses due to stress...) and that puts pressure on my husband.... and I wonder why G-d rewards those of us who are caretakers - isn't this a mitzvah? - with failing help ourselves.
We pray for refuah shalema for our aging and ill parents - and in so taking care of them our own physical and mental health begins to fail - and we ourselves become needy of prayers for health and recovery.
Today's NYT "Neediest Cases" write about a woman who put her "Life on Pause To Care for Her (Elderly) Parents".
Then she got sick and needed help from many organizations to help her purchase food, pay rent, pay her bills, etc.
I've been stressed out for years dealing with my elderly parents - not just their aging but their going through divorce, when they're 87 and 89 respectively, bitter divorce, moving my mom three times as a result, finding my brother who lives 20 minutes away from my mother not helping at all while I, who lives 300 miles away, have to manage her and her entire life by the telephone every day of the week, her memory that's been failing and failing, and failing... and my own health has been failing as a result (high blood pressure, pre-diabetic, all from stress and lack of exercise, memory lapses due to stress...) and that puts pressure on my husband.... and I wonder why G-d rewards those of us who are caretakers - isn't this a mitzvah? - with failing help ourselves.
We pray for refuah shalema for our aging and ill parents - and in so taking care of them our own physical and mental health begins to fail - and we ourselves become needy of prayers for health and recovery.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)