Mom has to eat.
But she likes to sleep very late. Very late. This is a problem because she occasionally wakes up slightly hypoglycemic and dehydrated.Then she doesn't have the strength to make it to the refrigerator or the kitchen.
Mom also likes to drink wine. She can get dinner with wine every night. This is nice. She feels great in the evening after dinner. But it is a double-edged sword because with the wine she feels great, but in the morning she wakes up slightly hypoglycemic and dehydrated.
Parenting magazines are encouraging parents to teach their kids to love vegetables and fruit. They're encouraging parents to not try to hide the vegetables and fruits in another dish, say a casserole, but to appreciate the veggies as is. They're encouraging parents to serve fruit for desert, rather than carbs.
Isn't fruit salad what we, when I was a kid, used to eat for desert? I remember as a kid always having fresh fruit salad for desert. Even in restaurants. Rice pudding was about as sweet a dessert as we ever got. Ready-made cakes weren't as available as they are now. Economic policy and a more urban lifestyle has also made carbs cheaper and more affordable than fresh fruits and vegetables.
Over many years, Mom has become too dependent on sugar and cake: THAT IS, she has become too dependent on carbs for the main meal and carbs for desert. Carbs and simple sugars, which are carbs.
Is my mom any different from most seniors? Or most of us, who want to hang onto eating what we like?
Now I ask her to tell me what she has in the refrigerator.
"Cantelope."
"Great. Have that." I hear her chewing away. "What else is there?"
"Pineapple."
"Great. Have that. "I hear her chewing away." What else is there?"
"Spinach."
"Spinach? Great, Mom. Lots of potassium and low carbs, Vitamin A, Vitamin C... Especially because the doctor doesn't want you eating bananas."
Of course I only know all this because my doctor is also telling me to watch what I eat because I have become pre-diabetic. He's warned me. I've learned the hard way. I'm also beginning to love my vegetables. I've been reading AARP, the magazine that nobody wants to admit they get. Frankly, my mom's not interested in nutrition. But she does listen to me. She is interested in life.
"Great, Mom. Eat your vegetables. What else is there in the refrigerator?"
Sunday, March 15, 2015
Tuesday, March 10, 2015
Caregiver? STRESS ALERT: Take care of your own health.
"One sixty nine over eighty," the nurse at the CVS Minute Clinic said as she unwrapped and removed the inflatable cuff from my arm. "That's high. Do you always have high blood pressure?"
My annual medical exam was scheduled for the following week. I would get my blood pressure remeasured by my primary care physician, and we would discuss this.
One week later, it was slightly lower but basically the same thing. It was as high as that of some long-time heavy smokers I know.
"You?"
At my annual medical exam, my doctor asked the usual questions: "Are you getting exercise?" My response was limp. Sometimes riding my bike, but no long distances any more. Sometimes but rarely getting to yoga. Sometimes but rarely running. Playing tennis with my husband, but only on Sundays in the spring and summer. And my doctor told me to get more exercise and come back in three months and get retested.
This in combination with also being told I was borderline diabetic created some serious talks and evaluations regarding how I manage my own health, diet, life, and also my mother's.
This is what I learned:
The next time I got my BP taken, just one month ago, it was 142/74. Lower but still hypertension.
Today was my last visit before my three-month visit to my doctor for a retest.
This morning I went before I had my morning cup of coffee. The pharmacist came out and took the reading. My BP was 120/79. I phoned my husband and reported the good news, as if I were 14 and had gotten straight A's on my report card. Then I came home, had my coffee, and made an appointment for my 3-month checkup.
And wrote this blog post.
Always? I never had high blood pressure. I'm the one who everybody points to as living a healthy lifestyle and getting plenty of exercise.I'm the one who does yoga. Back home, I put the numbers into the search bar on the internet. 169 over 80. Hypertension. I don't know what those numbers really measure, but I know it's not good.
My annual medical exam was scheduled for the following week. I would get my blood pressure remeasured by my primary care physician, and we would discuss this.
One week later, it was slightly lower but basically the same thing. It was as high as that of some long-time heavy smokers I know.
THIS is stress. Stress caused by a full year of managing, or dealing with, my elderly mother's issues. Trying to save her from financial devastation and medical destruction. All the while I was trying to write, publish, and promote my book, and other creative and professional endeavors (not to mention time and energy for my husband). I knew that I wasn't getting much exercise, I wasn't sleeping well at night, I knew that my routine was so centered around her, but I never gave a moment's thought to that this might be affecting my own health in some major way. I knew I didn't have as much time for my work and writing and my book as I would have liked, and that created internal - I would call them philosophical but they play out in the real world and in real lives - debates about taking care of others vs taking care of self. I knew I was stressed but you should see the looks on people's faces when I tell them I have hypertension.
"You?"
At my annual medical exam, my doctor asked the usual questions: "Are you getting exercise?" My response was limp. Sometimes riding my bike, but no long distances any more. Sometimes but rarely getting to yoga. Sometimes but rarely running. Playing tennis with my husband, but only on Sundays in the spring and summer. And my doctor told me to get more exercise and come back in three months and get retested.
This in combination with also being told I was borderline diabetic created some serious talks and evaluations regarding how I manage my own health, diet, life, and also my mother's.
This is what I learned:
- Walgreens is amazing for anybody with high or low blood pressure. They will take your blood pressure for free. When you go, write down the result, and date it. I keep mine on my "notes" on my iPhone. I went monthly. With Walgreen's, there is no excuse for not getting your BP checked. No Walgreens? There is surely some pharmacy nearby. Senior centers often have regular and free BP screening.
- The gym was amazing, especially given this awful winter. Even without the winter, it gave me a routine that I could stick with. I usually went late afternoon or early evening. I made sure I listened to music on my iPod that was relaxing, but kept me moving. For me this meant Neil Young, especially "Harvest Moon." I had a full workout, including 20 minutes running on the indoor track. Once a month I would use the steps machine, which would measure my average and high heart rate. THIS TOO I would write down and keep a record of. Because I don't have enough time to go to the gym and do yoga, I incorporate my yoga breathing and 'asanas' and relaxation techniques into my gym workout.
- Vulnerability. We know we are stressed but it's more difficult to acknowledge how that stress is affecting us physically, and the degree to which it is affecting us physically. While some physical conditions are beyond our control, high blood pressure is often well within our control. As we age, we become more and more vulnerable to stresses on our system. We are faced with conflict - ourselves vs those we love. And some of us are in the "sandwich generation." There are things I couldn't not do: Help my mother with her divorce, help her move from her home to her apartment, help her move from her apartment to the senior community, and so on. But many things, such as maintaining her car and making sure those bills were paid monthly, were unnecessary and only added stress to my life and my body. oing off for the day or weekend or week with my husband became an big deal, because nobody else in my family was willing to share responsibility for our mother with me. Dealing with the continued blood-letting of my mother's finances in her codependent relationship was another that I ultimately had to take by the horns, be strong, and weather the harsh disapproval that I knew I'd be up against.
- Don't miss your annual medical exam. Schedule it. Put it in the system. Then make it to your appointment. If you're afraid of what the results will say, then face that and ask yourself honestly what you can do differently to make sure that your health is not irreparably damaged and that you haven't given yourself reason to avoid going to the doctor's. Have this discussion with your spouse or significant other, if one is in the picture. My doctor warned me, and I gave myself a goal of three months to get my emotional and physical house in order. Me, the healthy one.
- Do what you need to do to lighten your burden around your elderly parent. That will pit you against your parent but for your life you need to. For me, it meant selling her car, and other difficult actions I write about. We fought. Often the fights were about her desire to have her car, versus my need to reduce my stress level, which was, literally, killing me. The fights were horrible because they pit me and my needs, physical and emotional, against my mother, who couldn't "hear" me, and what she wanted to do. The fights brought up other feelings and long-term issues. But being dead is no picnic, either.
The next time I got my BP taken, just one month ago, it was 142/74. Lower but still hypertension.
Today was my last visit before my three-month visit to my doctor for a retest.
This morning I went before I had my morning cup of coffee. The pharmacist came out and took the reading. My BP was 120/79. I phoned my husband and reported the good news, as if I were 14 and had gotten straight A's on my report card. Then I came home, had my coffee, and made an appointment for my 3-month checkup.
And wrote this blog post.
Thursday, March 5, 2015
When Your Parents Lie to You
I know that much of what she tells me is a lie.
I didn't always know that. I knew in my gut something wasn't right. But I didn't KNOW it was a lie. And I didn't know why it was a lie or why she lied. I still don't know but such is the nature of a person's psyche.
If your parents are lying to you, it's okay to know it. It's better to know and accept it than to not acknowledge it and try to convince yourself that what is a lie is actually true. Then you get really screwed up for life.
For a few days now her memory has been awful. Just awful. She also doesn't want to wake up and blames it on her cold. But people who have colds can get up and function. I know there's something else going on.
"Is it (this)?"
"No."
"Are you depressed?"
"No. I'm just tired. Can't I be tired?"
"Did Unidentified Male Relative telephone you?"
"Maybe."
"What did he say?"
I don't remember.
If you're like me, you've learned to trust your gut. In my case, I have to wonder: A) She doesn't remember the telephone call because she doesn't want to remember; B) She remembers the call and its contents but she doesn't want to tell you/me. C) She doesn't remember the telephone call because she has some condition independent of all other emotional issues. After all, how am I ever going to prove that she remembers? Or doesn't remember? The memory loss serves a practical and convenient function.
I have to harken back to just a few weeks ago, when Unidentified Male Relative showed up unexpectedly (on my end), and I discovered that he and she had gone to the bank together and had wiped out her savings account. At that time, she said nothing to me afterward, as it it hadn't happened at all. It was an awkward silence, me wondering if she'd say anything, giving her the opportunity to bring it up on her own, and she being quiet out of - fear? Of me? Of what I might say? Of having to deal with what she had just partnered in? But yesterday when the topic of finances and the savings account came up, she was quick to offer: "I did it because I wanted to." Memory loss? Or convenient 'memory loss'?
Sure enough, I find out late afternoon from Other Person that Unidentified Male Relative is there in her apartment. Other Person doesn't want me to call her and get elderly mom upset. I, however, need to call. We have to do a reality check here.
"Was he there when you and I were talking a little while ago, and doing your meds?"
"Yes. I told you."
"No you didn't. You said you were getting ready to take a nap. That was all." I calmly informed my elderly mom that there is no money in the checking account, there is no money in the savings account, and all the credit cards have been shut down. She argues that she's financially responsible. I say "No, you're not financially responsible." She says UMR has not asked for money. I say "Not yet." She's playing a game with me. But it's a fool's game.
What does it take to be a good liar? A persistent liar? All it takes is for the other person to be a fool, or to want to be fooled, to want to cling to a relationship or a dream more than you want to cling to reality and yourself.
She says, "I don't lie to you."
At any age, it's hard to tell your parents that you've caught them in a lie. Let alone repeated lies. I think that what she's really saying is that she doesn't want to lie to me. For most of my life my parents presented things in one way but the truth was quite different. But time is running out and I have to just be blunt and honest about this - because we have to exist in a place of honesty. How much more time do we have to get to this place?
I say, "Yes you do, you lie all the time." It hurts her to hear this, it hurts me say this. To KNOW this. Relationships cannot thrive in an atmosphere of falsifications. I can't imagine how much it destroys a person to be a liar. I take that back. I can imagine it. I see it all the time, every day. I can't imagine how destroyed a person must be to lie. A person's humanity. It's an awful way to live.
This time UMR can't get any money. My mom's finances are, for now, as they were. They are safe. I won't have to do any clean up of the mess tomorrow. She may not be very happy about it but I'm relieved. I've protected her finances, I've protected myself from the angst and stress of cleaning up the mess each time, which gets harder and harder each time, and I've eliminated one tool that fuels the codependency. I'm sad, but I'm relieved for the moment.
And for the moment, there is honesty.
I didn't always know that. I knew in my gut something wasn't right. But I didn't KNOW it was a lie. And I didn't know why it was a lie or why she lied. I still don't know but such is the nature of a person's psyche.
If your parents are lying to you, it's okay to know it. It's better to know and accept it than to not acknowledge it and try to convince yourself that what is a lie is actually true. Then you get really screwed up for life.
For a few days now her memory has been awful. Just awful. She also doesn't want to wake up and blames it on her cold. But people who have colds can get up and function. I know there's something else going on.
"Is it (this)?"
"No."
"Are you depressed?"
"No. I'm just tired. Can't I be tired?"
"Did Unidentified Male Relative telephone you?"
"Maybe."
"What did he say?"
I don't remember.
If you're like me, you've learned to trust your gut. In my case, I have to wonder: A) She doesn't remember the telephone call because she doesn't want to remember; B) She remembers the call and its contents but she doesn't want to tell you/me. C) She doesn't remember the telephone call because she has some condition independent of all other emotional issues. After all, how am I ever going to prove that she remembers? Or doesn't remember? The memory loss serves a practical and convenient function.
I have to harken back to just a few weeks ago, when Unidentified Male Relative showed up unexpectedly (on my end), and I discovered that he and she had gone to the bank together and had wiped out her savings account. At that time, she said nothing to me afterward, as it it hadn't happened at all. It was an awkward silence, me wondering if she'd say anything, giving her the opportunity to bring it up on her own, and she being quiet out of - fear? Of me? Of what I might say? Of having to deal with what she had just partnered in? But yesterday when the topic of finances and the savings account came up, she was quick to offer: "I did it because I wanted to." Memory loss? Or convenient 'memory loss'?
Sure enough, I find out late afternoon from Other Person that Unidentified Male Relative is there in her apartment. Other Person doesn't want me to call her and get elderly mom upset. I, however, need to call. We have to do a reality check here.
"Was he there when you and I were talking a little while ago, and doing your meds?"
"Yes. I told you."
"No you didn't. You said you were getting ready to take a nap. That was all." I calmly informed my elderly mom that there is no money in the checking account, there is no money in the savings account, and all the credit cards have been shut down. She argues that she's financially responsible. I say "No, you're not financially responsible." She says UMR has not asked for money. I say "Not yet." She's playing a game with me. But it's a fool's game.
What does it take to be a good liar? A persistent liar? All it takes is for the other person to be a fool, or to want to be fooled, to want to cling to a relationship or a dream more than you want to cling to reality and yourself.
She says, "I don't lie to you."
At any age, it's hard to tell your parents that you've caught them in a lie. Let alone repeated lies. I think that what she's really saying is that she doesn't want to lie to me. For most of my life my parents presented things in one way but the truth was quite different. But time is running out and I have to just be blunt and honest about this - because we have to exist in a place of honesty. How much more time do we have to get to this place?
I say, "Yes you do, you lie all the time." It hurts her to hear this, it hurts me say this. To KNOW this. Relationships cannot thrive in an atmosphere of falsifications. I can't imagine how much it destroys a person to be a liar. I take that back. I can imagine it. I see it all the time, every day. I can't imagine how destroyed a person must be to lie. A person's humanity. It's an awful way to live.
This time UMR can't get any money. My mom's finances are, for now, as they were. They are safe. I won't have to do any clean up of the mess tomorrow. She may not be very happy about it but I'm relieved. I've protected her finances, I've protected myself from the angst and stress of cleaning up the mess each time, which gets harder and harder each time, and I've eliminated one tool that fuels the codependency. I'm sad, but I'm relieved for the moment.
And for the moment, there is honesty.
Monday, March 2, 2015
Medicare Toe Nail Clippings for the Elderly - WHO KNEW???
Did you?
The last time I saw my mom, she made some comment about her feet. Okay, so they weren't so beautiful.. But who does have beautiful feet? Looking at my mother's feet is not one of my favorite activities, and so the conversation about her feet ended almost as quickly as it had begun.
Then, last week, she went to a physical therapist who suggested that she go to the in-house podiatrist for a toe nail clipping.
Although toenail clippers are a regularly used tool in our bathroom, I never thought about this for my elderly mother. Just another one of those things you don't associate with your parents, or their needs, I guess. But to go to a podiatrist for a toe nail clipping?
Not only that, but apparently Medicaid covers toenail clippings every nine weeks, my aunt told me.
I absolutely hate that expression who knew? but I can honestly say, with regard to Medicaid, WHO KNEW that Medicaid covers toe nail clippings every nine weeks? And if we had known, would we have even cared?
The last time I saw my mom, she made some comment about her feet. Okay, so they weren't so beautiful.. But who does have beautiful feet? Looking at my mother's feet is not one of my favorite activities, and so the conversation about her feet ended almost as quickly as it had begun.
Then, last week, she went to a physical therapist who suggested that she go to the in-house podiatrist for a toe nail clipping.
Although toenail clippers are a regularly used tool in our bathroom, I never thought about this for my elderly mother. Just another one of those things you don't associate with your parents, or their needs, I guess. But to go to a podiatrist for a toe nail clipping?
Not only that, but apparently Medicaid covers toenail clippings every nine weeks, my aunt told me.
I absolutely hate that expression who knew? but I can honestly say, with regard to Medicaid, WHO KNEW that Medicaid covers toe nail clippings every nine weeks? And if we had known, would we have even cared?
Now... my mom has been at various physical therapists in a private PT place numerous times in the last few years for her back and knees and nobody but nobody mentioned this need, or this Medicaid service. Her walking has been increasingly problematic. Shoes are a also a big thing with the elderly: The proper size, the proper fit, the proper elevation and cushioning, etc. Come to think of it, toenails that are too long certainly do not help.
I can hardly imagine a physical therapist who does not work with seniors and I can even less imagine working with a senior and not working on their legs, their feet, their walking, their gait, their balance... so it's hard to understand NOW that they wouldn't have known.... So let's' not go there... I think you see where I'm going with this.
I never gave her toenails a second thought. And the professionals were not letting out this secret.
"Couldn't she just clip them by herself?" my husband asked, when I told him about this.
"No!" I retorted, gloating in my being right. "The nails are brittle and can easily crack." Not to mention that given their lack of flexibility, the elderly may have difficulty just plain doing the task. Cuts may cause other problems, such as infection. And so on.
It's something that has to be done by a physician, as the nails become more and more brittle.
My mom is now scheduled for a toe nail clipping with the podiatrist, as she will be every nine weeks.
I have a thought: Wouldn't it be something if our moms and dads had the same type of care from Medicaid as our cars do? Some like the little stickers that are placed on our car dashboards reminding us:
My mom is now scheduled for a toe nail clipping with the podiatrist, as she will be every nine weeks.
I have a thought: Wouldn't it be something if our moms and dads had the same type of care from Medicaid as our cars do? Some like the little stickers that are placed on our car dashboards reminding us:
Like
- every 30,000 miles your car needs a new air filter...
- every 60,000 miles flush the power steering fluid . ..
I would like to see that magnet to place on the refrigerator:
Have You Had Your 9-week Toe Nail Clipping?
This magnet was brought to you by Medicare.
Now I know!
Thursday, February 26, 2015
Warm Hand and Foot Treatment - for Seniors
To the question, What Is the Largest Organ of the Human Body? You might think the lung (certainly lots of volume there), the heart (big heart, big hearted)... the large intestine (large and long)...
But the answer is the skin. (I got that question wrong the first time I was asked so don't feel bad...). And touch is what, if it is missing, leaves children scarred for life.
Is touch any less important when people age, when people are "elderly"?
No - but there may be fewer opportunities to get that hug or that handshake.
Yesterday my mom had a PT appointment at her center and the therapist recommended, among other things, an appointment with a podiatrist. With her living in a center that has two podiatrists who have part time hours there, I made her an appointment.
But that also got me thinking about none other than the beauty salon.
She's been there for styling, for a cut, a shampoo.. but never for her feet! She's never had a pedicure or a manicure.
I looked at the flyer. There I saw what I was hoping for. I saw Warm Hand and Foot Treatment. $15. This is clearly more than a hair salon. And that was really all I needed to know, but read on I did: Key healing ingredients such as Keratin, Vitamin E and Copaiba Oil naturally strengthen nails, relieve dry skin, protect from... That was all I needed to know, but read on I did: ...harmful UV rays and help to prevent skin aging.
That's where I had to smile or laugh to myself. EVERYBODY who lived there was elderly. EVERYBODY was in their 70's 80's 90's. Maybe a few even in the 100s. Are we really talking about preventing skin aging?
I think the wording of the flyer is brilliant. No matter what age we are, we want to make sure we don't look even older. (Well, maybe teenagers want to look older so they aren't carded everywhere they go.... ) People in their 70s don't want to look 80. People in their 80s don't want to look like they're in their 90s. Right? When my mom looks in the mirror and complains about "that old woman there" she mimics my exact words when I look in the mirror and go running to my husband. "I look old."
So I'm going to ask her if she'd like a Warm Hand and Foot Treatment. $8 hands only, or $8 feet only. I'm hoping she'll splurge and go for the two full sets of appendages. I'm hoping that the thrill of being touched will ease her out of her depression and aloneness. There's a lot of surface area in those fingers and toes, and in between those fingers and toes...
I call her.
"Mom, there's a hand and foot treatment, you can get a massage and treatment. Would you like that?"
"I'll let you know next week."
When I talk to her the next day and ask again, she says, "I told you yes." This is Mom, who forgot she wanted to think about it? Or is this Mom who really wanted to say yes, but always has to disagree with everything first?
I hoping that tomorrow I'm going to make her (or I'm going to assist her in making) an appointment for a Warm Hand and Foot Treatment.
(And by the way, what is copaiba oil?)
But the answer is the skin. (I got that question wrong the first time I was asked so don't feel bad...). And touch is what, if it is missing, leaves children scarred for life.
Is touch any less important when people age, when people are "elderly"?
No - but there may be fewer opportunities to get that hug or that handshake.
Yesterday my mom had a PT appointment at her center and the therapist recommended, among other things, an appointment with a podiatrist. With her living in a center that has two podiatrists who have part time hours there, I made her an appointment.
But that also got me thinking about none other than the beauty salon.
She's been there for styling, for a cut, a shampoo.. but never for her feet! She's never had a pedicure or a manicure.
I looked at the flyer. There I saw what I was hoping for. I saw Warm Hand and Foot Treatment. $15. This is clearly more than a hair salon. And that was really all I needed to know, but read on I did: Key healing ingredients such as Keratin, Vitamin E and Copaiba Oil naturally strengthen nails, relieve dry skin, protect from... That was all I needed to know, but read on I did: ...harmful UV rays and help to prevent skin aging.
That's where I had to smile or laugh to myself. EVERYBODY who lived there was elderly. EVERYBODY was in their 70's 80's 90's. Maybe a few even in the 100s. Are we really talking about preventing skin aging?
I think the wording of the flyer is brilliant. No matter what age we are, we want to make sure we don't look even older. (Well, maybe teenagers want to look older so they aren't carded everywhere they go.... ) People in their 70s don't want to look 80. People in their 80s don't want to look like they're in their 90s. Right? When my mom looks in the mirror and complains about "that old woman there" she mimics my exact words when I look in the mirror and go running to my husband. "I look old."
So I'm going to ask her if she'd like a Warm Hand and Foot Treatment. $8 hands only, or $8 feet only. I'm hoping she'll splurge and go for the two full sets of appendages. I'm hoping that the thrill of being touched will ease her out of her depression and aloneness. There's a lot of surface area in those fingers and toes, and in between those fingers and toes...
I call her.
"Mom, there's a hand and foot treatment, you can get a massage and treatment. Would you like that?"
"I'll let you know next week."
When I talk to her the next day and ask again, she says, "I told you yes." This is Mom, who forgot she wanted to think about it? Or is this Mom who really wanted to say yes, but always has to disagree with everything first?
I hoping that tomorrow I'm going to make her (or I'm going to assist her in making) an appointment for a Warm Hand and Foot Treatment.
(And by the way, what is copaiba oil?)
Tuesday, February 24, 2015
Mothers Who Are Always Putting Up an Argument
I have arranged for a nurse to go in every morning at a fixed time to make sure that my mom has taken all her meds. She is billed $5. per day for this. At $15 per month, it's definitely worth it.
With this, I know that my mom is okay and that she's taken all her meds, and it leaves me the opportunity to live my life.
But then what? Life is more than just waking up and taking your meds.
My mom will probably sleep most of the day if I don't call her and make sure she's up and about. And it's not because of her age. It's because of depression.
It's past that hour.... By now the nurse has long gone in to make sure she has taken her meds.
So... Do I call my mom this morning or not?
I will call her for sure in an hour or two to make sure that she's up and ready and moving for her aid.
But should I call her now?
Of course, call, you'll think. It's your mother.
Maybe not. It's usually very depressing calling her. We start her day with an argument and we start mine with an argument. Arguing and opposing seems to be how she survives, but it's not how I survive. If she says she's sleepy, and I say 'have some coffee,' she says she doesn't like coffee. If I remind her that she does, in fact that she herself bought coffee and it's in her fridge, she says that she changed her mind about coffee. Yesterday she said she couldn't go to her Dr appointment because she was nauseous and couldn't eat. As soon as I cancelled the appointment, she got up and went to the kitchen to eat. "Mom, I thought you were nauseous."
"I'm always nauseous when I wake up."
"So then why don't you just wait a bit until you're not nausous and then eat, and then we don't have to cancel your Dr appointment."
No answer. I'm aware of what she does and how she can egg a person on into an argument whose point is - what is the point?? from her point of view? Just the love of arguing?
She will always come up with a fact in opposition and if she doesn't have a fact in opposition, she will make one up. In fact it's what destroys me. It's been that way since I was a kid. (And maybe it's what destroyed her.) So what's the point of calling? I don't need the argument or the negativity.
The point would be to make sure she's up and dressed and has taken her cold medication, so that it can be working by the time the aid arrives.
Whether to call or not is not always so clear cut.
With this, I know that my mom is okay and that she's taken all her meds, and it leaves me the opportunity to live my life.
But then what? Life is more than just waking up and taking your meds.
My mom will probably sleep most of the day if I don't call her and make sure she's up and about. And it's not because of her age. It's because of depression.
It's past that hour.... By now the nurse has long gone in to make sure she has taken her meds.
So... Do I call my mom this morning or not?
I will call her for sure in an hour or two to make sure that she's up and ready and moving for her aid.
But should I call her now?
Of course, call, you'll think. It's your mother.
Maybe not. It's usually very depressing calling her. We start her day with an argument and we start mine with an argument. Arguing and opposing seems to be how she survives, but it's not how I survive. If she says she's sleepy, and I say 'have some coffee,' she says she doesn't like coffee. If I remind her that she does, in fact that she herself bought coffee and it's in her fridge, she says that she changed her mind about coffee. Yesterday she said she couldn't go to her Dr appointment because she was nauseous and couldn't eat. As soon as I cancelled the appointment, she got up and went to the kitchen to eat. "Mom, I thought you were nauseous."
"I'm always nauseous when I wake up."
"So then why don't you just wait a bit until you're not nausous and then eat, and then we don't have to cancel your Dr appointment."
No answer. I'm aware of what she does and how she can egg a person on into an argument whose point is - what is the point?? from her point of view? Just the love of arguing?
She will always come up with a fact in opposition and if she doesn't have a fact in opposition, she will make one up. In fact it's what destroys me. It's been that way since I was a kid. (And maybe it's what destroyed her.) So what's the point of calling? I don't need the argument or the negativity.
The point would be to make sure she's up and dressed and has taken her cold medication, so that it can be working by the time the aid arrives.
Whether to call or not is not always so clear cut.
Friday, February 20, 2015
When Positive Energy Meets Negative Energy
You're in a good mood, you're ready to share good spirits with the birthday person. You pick up the phone ready to blast a Happy Birthday, dial, wait while it rings.
It's especially important because this is your elderly parent. This is your second call for the day; the first was in the morning. This is the evening call and it will be your last for the day, so you want to make it a good one.
The phone is answered. There's a pause. Even before you hear the voice on the other end, you know it's going to be a downer. "Hello?" It's a tired worn out voice. The voice does not sound happy that you even called. Your heart sinks like a stone.
You feel like Debbie Downer has just walked through the doors of your party.
No matter what you say, the other person is bringing you more and more down. If you say, "Take some allergy relief" you hear "I don't want to ; it will make me even more tired."
"But your allergy relief pills don't have anything in them to make you tired."
"I don't want to take any medicine."
"Okay, have some coffee."
"I'll get sick if I take coffee."
You realize this person is not in rational mode. Everything you say will be met with a negative. You will get nowhere except more and more lost into a cyclone. There is NO conversation.
Wait! you think to yourself. No, you say aloud. "I just called you to bring some birthday cheer to you. And instead of bringing you birthday cheer, you're just complaining and complaining. I don't even know why I want to wish you a happy birthday" and you hang up. Instead of a happy birthday, you feel anger and you're not even recognized for who you are, for what you've done.
It feels awful. Not just that things didn't go like you planned, like you wanted, to bring cheer and good will..... But what just happened to your positive energy?
When positive energy meets negative, seems like the winner is the negative. How do you, the positive person, sustain a relationship where the negative energy dominates?
Not just that, if you're a positive minded person, how do you hold onto yourself in the midst of such a relationship? What happened to all that anger that was generated from frustration at not being able to utilize the energy and positive attitude that you were given in life?
I wonder.
It's especially important because this is your elderly parent. This is your second call for the day; the first was in the morning. This is the evening call and it will be your last for the day, so you want to make it a good one.
The phone is answered. There's a pause. Even before you hear the voice on the other end, you know it's going to be a downer. "Hello?" It's a tired worn out voice. The voice does not sound happy that you even called. Your heart sinks like a stone.
You feel like Debbie Downer has just walked through the doors of your party.
No matter what you say, the other person is bringing you more and more down. If you say, "Take some allergy relief" you hear "I don't want to ; it will make me even more tired."
"But your allergy relief pills don't have anything in them to make you tired."
"I don't want to take any medicine."
"Okay, have some coffee."
"I'll get sick if I take coffee."
You realize this person is not in rational mode. Everything you say will be met with a negative. You will get nowhere except more and more lost into a cyclone. There is NO conversation.
Wait! you think to yourself. No, you say aloud. "I just called you to bring some birthday cheer to you. And instead of bringing you birthday cheer, you're just complaining and complaining. I don't even know why I want to wish you a happy birthday" and you hang up. Instead of a happy birthday, you feel anger and you're not even recognized for who you are, for what you've done.
It feels awful. Not just that things didn't go like you planned, like you wanted, to bring cheer and good will..... But what just happened to your positive energy?
When positive energy meets negative, seems like the winner is the negative. How do you, the positive person, sustain a relationship where the negative energy dominates?
Not just that, if you're a positive minded person, how do you hold onto yourself in the midst of such a relationship? What happened to all that anger that was generated from frustration at not being able to utilize the energy and positive attitude that you were given in life?
I wonder.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)